Fear less, not fearless: Why accepting our fear of public speaking is the pathway to personal success
Being fearless is a popular goal—but Fearing less can be as simple as accepting your fear and choosing to show up anyway.
New clients tend to approach me with the goal of getting rid of public speaking fear. While this might seem like a good thing, what it actually does is set you up for black and white thinking (‘either I succeed or I fail’) and makes the goal less attainable. Fearing less, on the other hand, is a much more realistic goal.
Becoming a more confident speaker doesn’t mean losing the butterflies.
It doesn’t mean soaring through every presentation or heading into job interviews feeling like you’re on top of the world. Fearing less can be as simple as accepting your fear and choosing to show up anyway. When we meet for the first time, most of my clients say their goal is to totally extinguish their fear. However, this not only sets you up for black and white thinking—’either I get rid of the fear, or I don’t!’—it also makes the goal less attainable and reinforces the idea of your fear being a ‘bad’ thing.
Overcoming public speaking anxiety doesn’t mean magically eliminating anxious feelings or being completely free from fear. In fact, when it comes to tackling public speaking anxiety, the term ‘fearless’ might be misleading. What we actually want to do is fear less, not avoid feeling fear at all. If you keep reading, you’ll start to understand what shifting your understanding of fear looks like—and how it can help you make progress towards your goals.
Can we make the goal to fear less, rather than to be fearless?
“People often ask me if I still get nervous when I speak in public. The answer is yes. I'm always nervous. Experience keeps me from being scared, but I'm still nervous.” - Brené Brown
There’s a difference between feeling fear and being fearful. Even the most seasoned public speakers in the world feel some level of nerves before getting up on stage. Feeling fear isn’t a bad thing, but too much of it can hold us back from opportunities and chances to grow. In a public speaking situation, it’s normal to:
Feel your heart racing
Get sweaty palms if you get called on to share
Feel nervous before presenting your work in front of a group
Get butterflies from saying ‘yes’ to a speaking opportunity or taking a chance at something new
When you can interpret these feelings as energy, adrenaline, or excitement instead of fear, you’re more likely to rise to the occasion. Nerves or not, you’re still able to show up to the things you want to do—and that’s a major shift.
Showing up as your fear less self
“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory.” - Jim Carrey
In a commencement speech given at Maharishi International University, comedian Jim Carrey points out that many of us “choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality.” When we say ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’ to something because we’re scared of what will happen in the future, we miss out on the opportunities that are in front of us right now. “I’m always at the beginning,” Jim Carrey says in his speech, “I have a reset button, and I ride that button constantly.”
No matter where you are, you can ‘press the reset button’ and start fresh. Our imaginations are always manufacturing different stories about what could happen or what could not happen, whether this story is good or bad. When fear is running the show, we’re prone to making choices that get us back in our comfort zone: what if we didn’t speak up this time? What if we said no to that opportunity, or passed up on applying for a new role.
These kinds of choices can feel comfortable in the moment, but not be aligned with our goals or values over time. Who could we be if we said what was really in our hearts? What could we do if we didn’t let fear hold us back?
How to accept your fear
Butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms, or a racing heart can all be part of the act of speaking in public—and that’s okay. When we accept our fear, we make it easier to accept the situation that comes with it.
The concept of accepting fear (or fearing less) is based on the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a type of behavior based therapy useful in managing anxiety. With ACT, the focus isn’t on eliminating your fear. Rather, it’s about learning to accept uncomfortable feelings that arise while still committing to the task at hand.
In essence, it’s ‘feeling the fear and doing it anyway’ — committing to showing up to the meeting, job interview, or public speaking situation while observing and accepting the adrenaline, racing heart, and shaky hands. It’s okay that your heart races when you speak up in a meeting, so long as it doesn’t stop you from sharing at all. This approach can help build resilience and accept fear around public speaking, which can ultimately lead to a happier, more meaningful experience in your career.
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The full version of Jim Carrey’s commencement speech is a favorite of mine. In addition to speaking beautifully about vulnerability and fear, he also talks about the impact that living from your heart can have on both yourself and the world.